Hey babes. I’m writing this in order to apologize once again for all the pain I have caused. And I want to explain something.
I want to explain why I have behaved this way with you, why I have caused so much trouble, why I have become in the kind of person I used to hate. I would say it all started when I was a teenager and got worse around 2 years ago. I was a very very shy person before, very insecure. And I still am, weak, insecure, no self confidence, shy, nervous, anxious, etc. When I had my first relationship I realized there were people that may actually like me, guys could actually like me. Wow. That was so new for me, so amazing. And that gave me self confidence and that made me think I liked myself as well. But to be honest, I just liked the way that made me feel, feeling someone can like me, someone wants to be with me, that was such a new and incredible sensation and I liked it. But now I understand being liked doesn’t really make me like myself.
But the thing is I turned that into something negative. Every time I felt lonely, I would have a guy there to support me, to make me feel better. And when I got tired of him I would just leave him and look for someone else, which is so selfish and mean. I would tell myself it was not like that, it was not because I’m lonely but because I really liked them. But that’s the biggest lie I have told myself. And that’s so sad. On second year of uni I had so many problems of feeling lonely, I think I was depressed, I probably am depressed yet.
And I want to explain this problem is so fucking hard. I suppose I’m not the only person who feels like this but it’s fucking horrible. That sometimes when I’m alone at home I suddenly feel so alone in the world and I need to meet someone so badly, just to feel some contact, to feel someone cares for me. It’s actually so hard. The anxiety I feel in social situations or when I went to the USA and I didn’t know anyone I felt I wanted to die. I would have prefered to be dead than dealing with 2 weeks feeling like that. It’s so HARD I can’t even explain. I feel so much anxiety. The only moment I could tolerate was sleeping because I didn’t have to face the real world. It’s so hard.
Anyway, when I went to the UK, I wanted to leave all that apart and start over, and I tried to feel good on my own, I tried not to feel lonely, to be strong, I swear I tried, but again I failed.
First weeks were so hard for me. I was feeling so fucking lonely, and then I met you. I swear to god I didn’t want another relationship but I felt so good with you. And probably our relationship started because of my problem of loneliness yes, but unlike with others, I didn’t want to leave you. I tried baby, I swear I tried to end it because I didn’t want to take you to my shit. But you were just so different and I felt this could be different too for me and you were not just like the other guys.
And then I let you down. Not only once, but twice. And I’m sorry for what I did. And I’ve been wondering why I’ve done this if I was happy with you, if you mean so much to me and I love you so much. I think I made all these mistakes because I like feeling wanted not to feel lonely. I want people to like me because that’s how I don’t feel insecure and the only way I can feel good about myself. And I’m sorry I have put you into all this shit. And I hate so much that I have become this toxic person. I hate what I am today.
But now that I have finally recognised this to myself and also to you, now that I fucking now I have a serious problem, I’m gonna try to fix it. For you and for myself. And thank you, seriously. Thank you because without you, without having loved someone this much, without being suffering right now all this pain, I would probably have continued the same way and I seriously can’t because I don’t want to be that person. I’m not really sure how I am gonna fix these problems I have. Maybe I should get professional help. But I want you to know I’m not just some fucking idiot that has no empathy. I haven’t enjoyed these situations and I hadn’t taken any benefits or satisfaction.
Despite all this, thank you so much for loving me as I am, with all my shit and mistakes. You have helped me in a way you can’t even imagine baby. You are actually a role model for me and I hope one day I can be as good as you, I can have the heart you have. You said the other day that after all this you realised maybe my love for you was not as real and pure as you thougth but the truth is, if I have something clear now, is how much I love you and how I wish I could love you better, without insecurities and mistakes, and I wish I had done things better, I wish I had not lost you.