5

Hey babes. I’m writing this in order to apologize once again for all the pain I have caused. And I want to explain something.

I want to explain why I have behaved this way with you, why I have caused so much trouble, why I have become in the kind of  person I used to hate. I would say it all started when I was a teenager and got worse around 2 years ago. I was a very very shy person before, very insecure. And I still am, weak, insecure, no self confidence, shy, nervous, anxious, etc. When I had my first relationship I realized there were people that may actually like me, guys could actually like me. Wow. That was so new for me, so amazing. And that gave me self confidence and that made me think I liked myself as well. But to be honest, I just liked the way that made me feel, feeling someone can like me, someone wants to be with me, that was such a new and incredible sensation and I liked it. But now I understand being liked doesn’t really make me like myself.

But the thing is I turned that into something negative. Every time I felt lonely, I would have a guy there to support me, to make me feel better. And when I got tired of him I would just leave him and look for someone else, which is so selfish and mean. I would tell myself it was not like that, it was not because I’m lonely but because I really liked them. But that’s the biggest lie I have told myself. And that’s so sad. On second year of uni I had so many problems of feeling lonely, I think I was depressed, I probably am depressed yet.

And I want to explain this problem is so fucking hard. I suppose I’m not the only person who feels like this but it’s fucking horrible. That sometimes when I’m alone at home I suddenly feel so alone in the world and I need to meet someone so badly, just to feel some contact, to feel someone cares for me. It’s actually so hard. The anxiety I feel in social situations or when I went to the USA and I didn’t know anyone I felt I wanted to die. I would have prefered to be dead than dealing with 2 weeks feeling like that. It’s so HARD I can’t even explain. I feel so much anxiety. The only moment I could tolerate was sleeping because I didn’t have to face the real world. It’s so hard.

Anyway, when I went to the UK, I wanted to leave all that apart and start over, and I tried to feel good on my own, I tried not to feel lonely, to be strong, I swear I tried, but again I failed.

First weeks were so hard for me. I was feeling so fucking lonely, and then I met you. I swear to god I didn’t want another relationship but I felt so good with you. And probably our relationship started because of my problem of loneliness yes, but unlike with others, I didn’t want to leave you. I tried baby, I swear I tried to end it because I didn’t want to take you to my shit. But you were just so different and I felt this could be different too for me and you were not just like the other guys.

And then I let you down. Not only once, but twice. And I’m sorry for what I did. And I’ve been wondering why I’ve done this if I was happy with you, if you mean so much to me and I love you so much. I think I made all these mistakes because I like feeling wanted not to feel lonely. I want people to like me because that’s how I don’t feel insecure and the only way I can feel good about myself. And I’m sorry I have put you into all this shit. And I hate so much that I have become this toxic person. I hate what I am today.

But now that I have finally recognised this to myself and also to you, now that I fucking now I have a serious problem, I’m gonna try to fix it. For you and for myself. And thank you, seriously. Thank you because without you, without having loved someone this much, without being suffering right now all this pain, I would probably have continued the same way and I seriously can’t because I don’t want to be that person. I’m not really sure how I am gonna fix these problems I have. Maybe I should get professional help. But I want you to know I’m not just some fucking idiot that has no empathy. I haven’t enjoyed these situations and I hadn’t taken any benefits or satisfaction.

Despite all this, thank you so much for loving me as I am, with all my shit and mistakes. You have helped me in a way you can’t even imagine baby. You are actually a role model for me and I hope one day I can be as good as you, I can have the heart you have. You said the other day that after all this you realised maybe my love for you was not as real and pure as you thougth but the truth is, if I have something clear now, is how much I love you and how I wish I could love you better, without insecurities and mistakes, and I  wish I had done things better, I wish I had not lost you.

-T

Qué difícil es

Qué difícil es irme a la cama sin saber nada de ti. Sin ilusión por verte pronto. Sin esperanzas, sin ganas, sin motivo por el que levantarme. Qué difícil no llamarte, no escuchar tu voz antes de acostarme, no saber de tu día ni poder desahogarme contigo. Qué difícil tenerte tan lejos física y mentalmente. No saber si me piensas, si estás feliz, si te cuesta tanto como a mi.

Espero que todo esto valga la pena. Espero que mi decisión haya sido la correcta. Espero que algún día te des cuenta que esto lo hice por ti y que me quité de tu camino porque creo que te estoy suponiendo demasiado dolor.

Creo que el universo nos juntó por alguna razón. Creo que debí estar en tu vida, y tu en la mía. Quiero creer eso, y quiero creer que nuestras vidas se encontrarán de nuevo en el futuro. Y si no, será por una razón. Pero sobre todo, quiero que seas feliz.

 

-T

4

Every time I close my eyes I see you coming to me. I’m laying in bed and I can see your beautiful and innocent smile coming to kiss my lips softly. You just come from the shower and I am half asleep, but I’m trying to stay awake because that’s our last night together. Our last last night together. You are wearing that grey shirt and the boxers I bought you in our trip to Malta. I can see how happy you are and I feel so happy too. You smell so good from the shower, your hair is wet and I just want to rub my face against yours. I feel so confy with you in bed with the blanket, I’m just happy. The happiest girl. You make me so happy, my baby.

-T

De coña

Me prometí a mí misma que después de esa vez, ya no habría más. Ya no habría más hombres en mi vida por un largo período de tiempo. Y unos días después, como si el universo se estuviera riendo de mí, apareció él. Esa sonrisa inocente y esos aires inmaduros. Esa cara de niño y esas conversaciones que nada tenían de inmaduras.

Apareció él y con él apareció una relación. Construimos algo que por primera vez en mi vida amorosa, tenía sentido, y yo me dejé llevar. Y lo construimos a sabiendas de que mi estancia en ese paraíso era pasajera y no tendríamos más que un año para disfrutar de él. Pero aún así, decidimos construirlo.

Y por qué decidí seguir adelante con ello? Porque pensé que también tendría la fuerza suficiente como para destruirlo. Porque pensé que sería tan fácil como siempre lo había sido decir adiós a un amor pasajero. Qué ingenua fui. Mi armadura como mujer independiente me exigía cortar aquellos sentimientos de raíz y no mirar atrás. Podía hacerlo, olvidarme. Pero para mi sorpresa, no quería.

Jajaja, yo no quería olvidarme. Yo no quería olvidarme de ese niño que me quería tanto. Yo no quería que dejara de ser parte de mi vida. Es de coña, mi armadura se había caído (más bien, él la había roto) y de repente, era vulnerable y tenía sentimientos de verdad. Corrijo, tengo sentimientos de verdad.

He encontrado a una persona por la que merece la pena luchar y está a cientos de kilometros. Pero yo, tengo miles de planes. Y esos planes no incluyen una persona a mi lado. No incluyen esforzarse por mantener una relación. Esos planes no incluyen amar y ser amada. Quiero viajar sola y quiero conocer gente, culturas nuevas y países. Todavía me quedan experiencias que vivir sin estar atada.

Y duele. Duele querer y duele renunciar a planes. Entonces, cuál es el camino correcto? Tengo acaso opción? Tiene acaso mi corazón opción?

-T

Aún cuando lo tenía todo

Y aún cuando que lo tenía todo

llegaste tú y me rompiste los esquemas,

Me mostraste las señales que no quería ver

y descubrimos poco a poco lo que no nos dijimos en aquellas noches borrosas

 

Ahora me pierdo pensando en cuál será el camino correcto

o si esta historia tendrá un final feliz

Intentas mostrarme como sería si algún día te tuviera

Y aunque imagino risas sin fin, me odio por tenerte en mi cabeza

 

Aún cuando lo tenía todo,

tú me mostraste que no era así.

 

-T

 

 

 

Lo bonito

A veces existo sin estar presente. Paso días enteros en mi mente aparentando estar. Hace tiempo me di cuenta de que en todo hay algo bonito si sabes cómo mirar. Y eso me impresionó tanto que ya no pude parar. Bonito el sol, pero también la lluvia, la alegría, pero también la tristeza. Me di cuenta de la auténtica belleza de las personas, de lo bonito de una sonrisa pura y de lo bonito de una amistad.

Empecé a apreciar cada momento, cada gesto y la vida me la mostró: su belleza. Desde ver un atardecer con amigos hasta comer una manzana, me paré en cada instante a apreciar. No siempre las cosas salen como quieres. A veces no puedes ni ver el lado bueno, pero hasta ahí, hasta cuando piensas que no, siempre encontrarás algo bonito. Un gesto sincero, unas palabras de ánimo o alguien intentando hacerte reír me hicieron ver la pureza de las personas y que vaya dónde vaya la belleza siempre estaba ahí.

Pero la belleza aparece de forma diferente en cada uno de nosotros. Y cada uno la encontrará en momentos, situaciones y personas diferentes. Que no se esfuercen en imponerte lo que debe ser bello para ti, en cada uno de nosotros habita una fuerza, un espíritu que saldrá a relucir cuando uno esté preparado y alguien decida parase a apreciarla.

-T

3

Hey baby,

It’s been just one hour since we said goodbye and I feel quite shocked and speechless. I could have never imagined I’ll come to the airport after one year with someone I love like this. It’s sometimes hard for me to express what I feel with words so that’s why I’m writing to you this letter even if I think it’s impossible to portray in paper my feelings.

I want to say thank you, for all the love you have given to me. For all the support, all the laugh and all the adventures we have lived together. I had never expected to find love in this country, but as a wise man said, you always find what you desire in the most unexpected places.

I have always thought I’m quite a strong person, that I never fall in love and until now it’s been difficult to get to my heart. But since I met you, things are different; I have let my heart free and it has found a place where it’s warm and loved. I’m happy I left it to the right person, the one who made me cry all over the airport until now, in the plane, where everyone must think I’m crazy. But it doesn’t matter, I don’t think anything else matters anymore, I don’t think anyone matters any more, just you and me, just your heart and mine.

Babes, at this point, I feel so grateful. I just want to give you all the love you give to me. I’m sorry for my mistakes, I promise I have learnt from them and thanks for forgiving me, for always watching the best in me. Thank you for loving me as you do, for accepting me as I am, for sharing my madness, my love for food and my stupid humour.

I don’t know what Universe has prepared for us, but to be honest, I don’t care, because right now, I know it doesn’t even matter. The only thing that matters is what we want to fight for and I want to fight for you.

So fuck universe, fuck god and fuck the rest of the world, because I have a goal, I have my purpose.

 

-T